I love you, Papa

The Simplest Yet The Greatest Way of Expressing Yourself.

Everyone experiences loss in the family, of course, if you are not the first loss. And usually within the hearts of the rest of the family stay untold words, regrets, and dreams that will never come true. While opening my journal, I will read to you my painful memories and try to explain the simplest but the greatest thing you could do right now.

January 24, 2020:
I woke up early. I have been doing all the things I planned before. So, the last 2 weeks were productive. Today I am going back to Tashkent. Allah, show me the way.
Sometimes your ego holds you back from saying I love you to the ones you care and love. Remember, every second you have is a chance, if you skip the moment, you will eventually regret it. Just do it.

I live far away from the city that I study and work. During the summer, I like spending my time with my family in my hometown. There are strong strings that always pull me close to that place. From the eyes of a stranger, the town you were born in might look normal, but you see it through different lenses. You don’t see the buildings, roads, trees, or the local people but you see the familiar and special feelings hidden behind them.
Whenever I was heading to Tashkent, I had to go through the farewell with my parents. And I hated it. Because I was really afraid that it would be the last time that I am seeing them.
I clearly remember January 24, 2020. I packed up all my belongings and was ready to depart to the station. My brother was my escort. And it was time to say goodbye to my parents. I reluctantly approached the door and before entering hid my emotions. According to our family tradition, my Papa wished me the best things that could ever exist. I hugged and left them without showing any feelings that were scratching me from inside. And the thought “What if it is the last time?” was revolving around my head 1000 times per second. The only words that could calm me down were “I love you, Papa. I love you, Mum”. But I could not tell those words because I think it is really hard to express the words that align with your real feelings. (I could smell the fakeness from being told every day “I love you” by fake people. That is another story.) I felt regret for not saying it for some days until time washed some part of it.

August 16, 2021: Everyone is in panic as Papa has not been answering the phone since yesterday. He is hospitalized and in critical condition. I did not call today, because if he does not respond, it breaks me into pieces. Though, I found the strength to call him. Got away from my relatives and dialed his number. And I was praying “Allah please, please, let me talk with him” while the beep was going…beep…beep… He answered. I said “I love you, Papa. We all are waiting for you at home. Please come back.” Could not control my emotions so passed the phone to my Mum and left.

September 2, 2021: Soon my study begins, so I am leaving my hometown. All my things are packed and I am ready to depart. There is only one thing left to do: farewell. After putting my stuff in the car, I am slowly approaching the home while holding in my emotions as best as I could. Opened the front door, I see there is only Mum standing, Papa is not with us anymore…Mum did what Pap used to do. But this time I hugged and told her “I love you, Mum” and slowly walked to the car.